Idiot's Guide to Surviving Your Office Building
by Kitty Kat-chan
Summary: What do you get when you combine a bunch of neurotic, eccentric lunatics together in an office building eight hours a day, five days a week? And then for the hell of it, you throw in some romance and masturbation jokes and an escaped lion? You get this.
1. Rule No 1: Don't Panic!

**Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Never will own 'em. Oh woe is me. **

**Idiot's Guide to Surviving Your Office Building**

* * *

**Rule No. 1: Don't Panic**

Cloud had been working at the office building of Xenahort and Wise Corporations for four years. He worked on the fifth floor, in the biggest cube farm. He typed mission statements and worked on spreadsheets and made phone calls and checked supplies. It was a good job, according to the rest of society, and it paid well enough.

Too bad his coworkers were crazy.

"Incoming!"

Cloud threw himself to the ground, a stapler whizzing by his head. It smashed into the wall and fell to the floor in pieces. The mission statements he'd been carrying, and had so painstakingly stacked neatly into a pile, had scattered all over the floor.

"Didn't Xemnas say that there couldn't be anymore stapler wars?" he groaned, pulling himself up to his knees and gazing sadly at the strewn papers.

The culprit, a pretty young woman with short black hair and expressive dark eyes, bounced over and helped him pick them up. "It's not a stapler war. I bet Saix ten bucks that you'd dodge that stapler. He didn't believe me 'cause you were carrying all these papers." Her nose scrunched up as she grinned. "But I knew you wouldn't risk hurting that pretty face of yours. Easy ten bucks for me!"

"You cheated Yuffie! You warned him!" a voice whined from a nearby cubicle.

"You never said I _couldn't_ warn him," Yuffie cackled as she placed the last paper back on the stack. "Sorry about that Cloudy-kins, but a woman's gotta do what she can to make some money." She winked, then bounced off.

Cloud sighed heavily, straightened up, and shuffled down the aisle, reminding himself that at least the papers weren't hurt in the assault. If they had been, Tifa probably would've killed him. Not to mention Xemnas… He noted that new posters had been tacked to the walls—motivational posters that Xemnas was sure would inspire his employees to work harder. He read a couple: _'Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.'; 'Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!'; 'The beatings will continue until morale improves.'; 'We waste time so you don't have to.' _

As he passed by the cubicles, he could hear bits and pieces of conversations that cube neighbors were shouting over to each other.

"…just got a cute dress…"

"…gonna kill me if I don't finish this by lunch…"

"…said if I didn't get rid of the water bed, she was gonna move out…"

"…how many calories does it have?"

"…Yuffie stole my stapler again, _third _time this week…"

"…how many calories does it have with salt?"

The floor was loud and noisy. Zell had his music up too loud. Irvine had the volume of his computer turned up to the max, and you could hear him playing his first-person shooter game with too much enthusiasm. Two men standing near the elevators were arguing at the top of their voices, something about the latest political scandal and who should be elected for mayor. But they weren't really yelling at each other, they were just yelling to be heard. He could vaguely hear Yuffie's evil cackle, followed by a loud crash and a scream of fury from Saix.

He couldn't remember a time when the fifth floor hadn't been noisy on a regular day.

"Need some help?" he heard a calm, deep voice ask him from behind.

Cloud sighed in relief as he turned, and half of the stack of papers was lifted out of his arms. He forced himself to ignore the way his heart skipped several beats. "Thanks, Leon. I thought my arms were going to fall off."

Leon grunted and jerked his head, trying to get his shaggy brown hair out of his eyes. "Did Zack ask you to deliver these?" He sounded disapproving; Leon was always worried that Cloud was letting people walk all over him, though you wouldn't know it. To most, he was every bit the ice prince that his rival Seifer had labeled him. Cold, uncaring, silent. But Cloud, being his best friend for two years now, and being in love with said (oblivious) best friend for about half a year, knew the real Leon; a caring mother-hen type with a very dry sense of humor.

"No, Leon. Lexaeus asked me. And before you say anything," he added, shushing his friend, "he was trying to keep Xaldin from tearing Luxord's head off."

"Was Luxord cheating at poker again?"

"I don't see how… they were playing it online this time."

As if on cue, Xaldin suddenly stormed by them, muttering darkly under his breath. Everyone quickly got out of his way in fear; Xaldin was famous for his short temper and devious acts of revenge.

"Yikes," Leon muttered, eying the retreating man wearily.

"C'mon, let's get these papers to Tifa and get back to work. If Xemnas catches us away from our desks, he'll freak out and have our heads mounted on his wall," Cloud sighed, and they quickly hurried down the aisle.

They found Tifa in her cube, her head propped up on one fist and staring at her computer screen blankly. "Tifa, Lexaeus needs you to take care of these mission statements," the blonde told her, dropping the stack of papers on her desk with a relieved sigh.

Leon set his stack on top of Cloud's and said, "What's up? You seem pissed."

Tifa grunted. "Pissed? Me? No, not pissed… That was nice of you guys to take care of these papers for Lexaeus. I heard him trying to keep Xaldin from killing Luxord…"

"It wasn't a problem," Cloud assured her.

Tifa didn't seem to hear him. "You guys are great. Really great. Always making everyone else's lives easier, never asking for anything in return… you guys are the best. Zexion though…" Her voice grew dark. "He's no good, that one. Always making smart-ass comments and hanging around the elevator flirting with Demyx, slacking off on his work and blaming everything on me… He ate my ice cream, you know. My very special, expensive sea-salt ice cream. I'd been saving it in the fridge. I even put my name on it, with a big red marker. But he still ate ALL of it." The pen she'd been holding tightly in her hand broke in two. She swore and grabbed some Kleenexes from the box on her desk and began mopping up the ink, cursing Zexion furiously.

Leon and Cloud exchanged looks, then left as quietly as they could. It was never wise to hang around a pissed-off woman with ink on her hands.

* * *

Xemnas growled and tugged at his hair in frustration. Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit. He was coming, dammit. Ansem, his uncle, partner, the head honcho, was coming tomorrow for a 'check-up.' Sounded like a freakin' doctor's appointment! 

Why the hell did he have to come tomorrow?! Why couldn't he have waited for like, two weeks? They were running behind on work, and the office was in a state of total chaos. The third floor was having a huge war over which brand of coffee to use. The sixth floor was on strike because the toilet kept breaking and they weren't getting enough printer paper.

The ninth floor's fax machine was going haywire. The fifth floor… well, Xemnas had already lost track of what was going on in there. It was in a state of permanent chaos. The rest of the floors were made up of a bunch of lazy slackers who whined about raises and vacation days and spent their time looking at porn.

"I hate my life," Xemnas muttered, rubbing one hand over his face.

His intercom suddenly buzzed, and he just knew that his secretary was about to tell him something awful. "Um, Xemnas? We've got a problem…" Aerith's voice said nervously.

Xemnas closed his eyes, pressed the reply button. "What is it?"

"Um… I just got a call from the lobby. Apparently, somebody's ordered a lion."

Xemnas blinked. "I'm sorry, Aerith. I must've misheard you. Did you just say that someone ordered a _lion?"_

"Um… yes."

Xemnas closed his eyes, lowered his head, and began to quietly bang hi head against his desk. A lion. A fucking lion. Somebody ordered a fucking lion, and now it was there, in the office building. Soon the PETA activists in the building would all be down in the lobby making a huge scene, and the slackers from the lower floors would use it as an excuse to stop working, and fifth floor would all come down and try to set the lion free (because God knew that it there was always someone from that floor who would do something like that), and then…

His head really hurt. He decided that it probably hadn't been the best idea to hit it repeatedly against his desk like that. "Why didn't I become a fire-fighter when I had the chance?" he groaned to himself.

* * *

"So, there's a lion in the lobby." 

Cloud looked up and blinked. "Wha?"

Marluxia, the office's pink-haired king of gossip and all around know-it-all of everybody's personal lives, smiled his Cheshire Cat smile, the one he got whenever he stumbled upon a particular juicy piece of gossip. "There's a lion in the lobby. The circus delivered it, but there's been some kind of mix-up. Apparently, that Clayton guy from the seventh floor ordered a gorilla, but the circus doesn't have any gorillas, so they're trying to give him a lion instead. Now Clayton's pissed 'cause he's not getting his gorilla, and all the animal PETA people in the building are freaking out because he was gonna shoot the gorilla, and now they're worried he's gonna shoot the lion."

Cloud, who had been staring at another new motivational poster tacked onto his cubicle wall ('Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment'), pushed his keyboard away and slumped back in his chair. "You've gotta be shitting me."

"I shit you not."

"So what the hell are they gonna do?"

"Right now everyone's just arguing. The activists say the lion should be sent back to it's natural habitat and Clayton should be arrested for cruel and unusual punishment against animals. Clayton's screaming about the gorilla. Everyone else is just kinda hanging around."

"Of course," Cloud sighed. "Just another normal day, right?"

Marluxia smirked. "Of course. Look, I gotta go before I miss anything else. I'll keep you posted, mmmkay? Bye, sweetie!" And with a wink, he bounced off.

Cloud shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe it…"

He waited. Leon didn't say anything. Maybe he was in shock or something…?

"I mean," Cloud continued, "a lion? That's pretty crazy, even for a normal day."

Still, nothing. Cloud frowned. "Leon…?" He stood up and peered over the cube wall to his friend's desk.

Leon wasn't there.

* * *

As soon as Leon heard that there was a lion in the lobby, he knew there'd be trouble. He snuck off as quietly as he could, relieved that neither Marluxia on Cloud noticed and took off for the stairs. He sprinted down, taking them two at a time, and it was a miracle that he didn't break his neck. 

He skidded to a halt once he was in the lobby and gasped. It was complete mayhem. It seemed like half the building was crowded in the lobby, everyone shouting at each other and waving picket signs and pushing, shoving, slamming against each other. Xemnas was standing on top of the receptionist's desk, shrieking at the top of his lungs, vainly trying to restore some order.

He spotted a huge crate in the back, punched with holes. It read **LION** on the side. Obviously, that was where the lion was. He was dimly surprised that no one was paying the least bit of attention to it. They were all too busy shouting at each other.

He edged over to the crate and peered inside; a pair of large yellow eyes gazed back sadly, and Leon's heart squeezed painfully. Lions had always been his favorite animal, and he hated to think about what would happen to it. He didn't notice the figure creeping up behind him.

"Isn't it _saaaaaad?" _someone whispered in his ear, and Leon jumped about a foot off the floor.

"Reno!" he hissed, glaring at the snickering redhead. "Don't do that!"

Reno smiled, his cat-like eyes glowing. "Don't be mad, Leonhart. I couldn't help but notice how you seem upset about the lion."

Leon said nothing, but continued to glare at the redhead.

"So… what are you going to do?" Reno asked, a large smirk on his face.

Leon sighed. "What do you mean?"

"You're not just going to leave it here, are you?"

"But…"

"If you leave it here, it might get shot, or hurt in all the commotion. Go on, look at him…"

Leon did; the large eyes looked back at him, and he heard the lion whine sadly. Leon's heart gave another painful squeeze.

Reno plastered a somber look on his face. "So, what are you gonna do? What's it gonna be?"

Leon groaned. "Dammit, I know I'm gonna regret this… okay, help me push this thing to the back door."

Reno followed the brunette behind the crate and asked, "What's the plan?"

"We push him to the back door as quietly as humanely possible. I'll call animal control or something and let them take care of it."

They tried to push the crate—or rather, Leon tried to push it, but it just wouldn't budge. Leon grunted with the effort, his face red, and shot the redhead a dirty look. "Are you even trying?"

"Of course," Reno replied immediately, though his face was it's normal pale color.

Leon growled. "Dammit… look, can you wait here and watch this thing while I go and get Lexaeus? He'll be bale to move this thing."

Reno's eyes brightened. "I've got a better idea."

"What?"

Cackling, Reno leaped over to the front of the crate and jerked the door open with a triumphant yell. A golden blur zoomed out and ran around the corner, down the hall, knocking down several potted plants as it went. Leon stood rooted to the spot, horrified.

"Why the hell did you do that?!" he asked, his voice uncharacteristically shrill.

Reno had a crazed, proud look on his face, but as soon as reality began to sink in, his expression fell. He almost looked confused. "Well… it seemed to make since at the time," he said dumbly.

Leon ripped at his hair and gave a loud, frustrated yell. Seconds later, there was a scream from around the corner.

"Oh my god! There's a lion in the hall!"

And with that, all hell broke loose.

* * *

"Cloooud!" 

Said blonde looked up from the spreadsheet he was working on, startled. Marluxia peered down at him over the cubicle wall, his eyes dancing. He looked like a little kid who just learned that Christmas had come early.

"Ohmigawd, you won't believe what's just happened!" he gushed. "Remember the lion I told you about? Remember? Well it got out of it's crate somehow, and now it's roaming free in the building somewhere! Everyone's freaking out."

Cloud sat up a little straighter in his chair. "The lion got out?"

"Yep! Xemnas is down in the lobby screaming for blood. Apparently, Ansem is supposed to come tomorrow to 'check up' on things. If he finds out that there's a lion in the office…" He trailed off, letting the rest of the sentence hang in the air. They both knew the consequences of what it would bring.

The blonde groaned. Great. Now, not only did he have to worry about where the hell Leon wandered off to, he had to worry about being attacked by a lion. "Can't they call animal control or something?"

Marluxia shook his head. "Xemnas says that Ansem would be seriously pissed off if something like this got out. We'd be all over the news and everything. When I left, he was paying the circus people off to keep them from saying anything. I've never seen him look so pissed."

At that moment, Leon shuffled over, a haggard look on his face. He collapsed into his chair with a groan, rubbing a hand over his face.

Marluxia gasped happily. "Oooo, Leon! Perfect timing! I was just telling Cloudy-kins about the lion—"

"They think they've got it cornered downstairs in the woman's bathroom," Leon interrupted, his voice flat. "Now they're trying to decide how to see if they really did capture it."

Marluxia squealed and took off, shouting a frenzied apology to his friends. Cloud waited until he was sure that the coast was clear, then wheeled his chair over to Leon's cubicle. The brunette had his head down on his desk, his face buried in the keyboard. Cloud frowned; this was definitely not like him. Leon was not the sort of person who would lay his head down on his desk—he was the kind of person who would sit around glaring at everyone if he had a problem. The blonde hesitated, and gave his friend a tentative nudge.

"Hey. You okay?"

Leon sighed deeply. "It's my fault that the lion got out."

Cloud's eyes widened. "What?"

"Well, not completely my fault," the brunette added quickly. "Reno was the one who opened the crate. I was just standing there."

"I can't believe it."

"Me either. But Reno tricked me, dammit. I can't believe I let him get under my skin like that…"

Cloud could tell that Leon was deeply upset; he was talking a hell of a lot more than he usually did. And he said that Reno was the one who opened the crate—Reno, that manipulative, crafty Turk… Which meant—"He pulled a guilt trip on you about the lion, didn't he?"

Leon gave a small shrug. "Something like that. So now what am I gonna do?"

"You'll just have to wait and see, I guess. There's not really anything else you can do."

Leon hesitated, then pushed himself up and wheeled his chair around to face him. His grey-blue eyes looked tired. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I just hope they catch the lion soon so this whole thing can blow over."

"They will," Cloud said, with more confidence than he felt. "Try not to worry about it." Then he quickly wheeled himself back over to his cubicle before he could do anything that he'd regret, crossing over the border between best friend and something else. They went back to work, and it was relatively peaceful… for about thirty seconds.

Then—

"You don't think they'll hurt the lion when they catch him, do you?"

"Leonhart, shut up and get back to work."

"But—"

"Don't worry about the lion—he's the friggin' king of the jungle, I'm sure he can take care of himself."

* * *

When Cloud got in the next day, the lion still hadn't been found, and the whole office building was in state of total panic while the circus men from before wandered around the office searching for it. The fact that they looked like they didn't know what the hell they were doing made them all the more worried. Xemnas was running from floor to floor, shrieking orders about how no one was allowed to tell Ansem anything about the lion, not a damn thing, and if they did, there would be hell to pay. 

Cloud sighed heavily as he sank into his chair; he could already feel his daily migraine start to form. "Why did you let that damn lion out?" he asked Leon.

"I didn't," he heard the man reply, his tone offended. "Reno did. I was an innocent bystander."

"Innocent my ass."

"Shaddup. And keep your voice down—if Xemnas hears you, my ass is grass."

Cloud snorted, but let the matter drop. Xemnas had arrived to the fifth floor, and was now pacing up and down the aisles, alternating between muttering to himself and screaming at the employees. His left eye was twitching spastically. Unfortunately for our two favorite employees, Xemnas chose that moment to stop at their cubicles.

"Leonhart! Strife!"

The two men jumped and looked around guiltily; Xemnas was staring at them, his gaze menacing. He was breathing heavily, and there was a vein in his temple that was pulsing in time with his twitching eye. Cloud was the first to recover. "Xemnas, your nostrils are flaring."

"They have a right to flare, I'm in charge. Why are you two being so quiet?"

"What do you mean?" Leon asked with raised eyebrows. "Isn't that what you're always nagging us about? Being quiet and doing our work?"

Xemnas sneered. "Oh, very funny. Normally you two are just chatting away without a care in the world, lagging behind on your work, extending your lunch breaks without permission… and low and behold, I come in today and find you two working quietly in your desk like good little employees." He narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, bearing his teeth. "Both of you look guilty. Why do you look guilty? Perhaps you know something about the escaped lion? Something that you might want to share with me?"

Leon and Cloud exchanged guilty looks, which Xemnas caught immediately. He looked triumphant. "Leon, you're awfully fond of lions, right? Perhaps you couldn't bear the thought of that poor innocent lion locked up in that crate, and you decided to let it out…?"

Leon guiltily looked at the background on his computer—a group of lions asleep in the savannah. 'Jesus… maybe I should tell him what happened. It is partially my fault the lion got out, after all…' he reasoned to himself. But then he remembered the lion's sad eyes, and he couldn't help but feel that he had done the right thing.

A third voice joined into the conversation. "I don't see how that could be possible. These two were up here working the entire time."

The three men turned and saw Reno, casually lounging in his seat. There was a sickly sweet smile on his face. "We were working, weren't we boys? Doing our work like the good little mindless, zombie pod people that we are."

"It's true," Leon said immediately.

"Yeah. Up here the entire time," Cloud chimed in. "We didn't even hear about the lion until later." Xemnas's face reddened, but just as he opened his mouth to yell at them, there was sudden, ear-shattering roar.

"_RAAAAAAWR!" _(Like that.)

"Ohmigawd! The lion's here!" they heard Yuffie scream. Immediately, the fifth floor was flooded with screams and shouts of terrified employees.

"Oh my god!"

"Run away! Run away!"

"Arrrgh!"

Leon and Cloud jumped up from their desks and took off down the aisle. "This is all your fault Leon!" Cloud shouted.

"My fault? How is it my fault?!"

"You let the friggin' lion outta the friggin' crate!"

"_Reno _let it out! I was just there—Ahhh!" a golden blur suddenly bowled Leon over.

Cloud shrieked. "Leon!"

The brunette in question found himself staring up at a very large, very angry looking lion. Said lion growled, his golden eyes blazing with what Leon could only guess was bloodlust. Leon squeaked in fear.

"Shit, Leon. Shit! You've got a lion on your chest!" Cloud shouted, panicking.

"I noticed that myself, thanks," Leon gasped, his face turning slightly blue from lack of air. The lion was heavy, and it was almost impossible to breathe. _'I almost wish he'd just hurry up and eat me,'_ he thought dimly. '_Imagine:_ 25-year-old male killed in freak lion attack! Lion suffocates man by sitting on his chest!_ At least I'd have a chance at making the front page…'_

People were slowly gathering around, many shrieking in shock and fear upon seeing the huge lion sitting on his chest. Said lion growled menacingly at anyone who got too close.

"God dammit, Leon! Why did the lion have to jump on your chest?!" Xemnas wailed, tearing at his hair. Leon would've replied, but he didn't have any breath left to speak.

"Xemnas! Xemnas!"

Everyone (excluding Leon and the lion) looked up to see a very red-faced Aerith, who was gasping heavily. She looked a bit hysterical.

"Oh Jesus, don't let it be anymore bad news, please God I'm begging you!" Xemnas moaned, a feeling of dread rising in his chest.

Aerith took a deep breath and said, "Ansem is here. He's down in the lobby. And he wants to speak with you."

* * *

Ansem Frederick Wise the Third was confused. As he watched Aerith run away, sputtering nervously that she would alert of his arrival, he realized that the lobby was a complete mess. Several potted plants had been smashed and knocked over. An empty crate had been left in the back, and seeing the word **LION** printed on it's side made him a little worried. 

_'Alright, Ansem,'_ he said to himself, '_the lobby is in shambles, the secretary was a nervous wreck, it sounds like there's a herd of elephants stampeding upstairs, and your nephew was not waiting downstairs to meet you. In fact, he still hasn't even arrived down here to meet you. Now, what are you going to do?'_

He took a second mull it over in his brain, then took a deep breath and threw his shoulders back, lifting his chin up. It was time to get down to the bottom of this—he had the most horrible feeling that his company's reputation was at stake.

* * *

Almost as soon as the words left Aerith's lips, everyone went completely silent. Even the lion looked shocked (it should be noted that Leon had passed out some time ago, his face a rather attractive shade of blue). Then everyone began talking at once. 

"Oh my god…!"

"What are we going to do?"

"When Ansem finds out that we've got a lion—"

"Shit, shit, shit!"

"Oh maaaaan, we're gonna lose our jobs!"

"_Everybody be quiet!"_ Aerith suddenly shrieked, and they did, staring at her in shock. After all, it wasn't everyday that the soft-spoken Aerith yelled at them to be quiet. Said woman blushed lightly, but continued.

"Ummm, thank you. Look… it's not going to do us any good to just stand here and panic. We've got to do something! We have to distract Ansem while the circus men capture the lion—"

"Problem!" Yuffie interrupted, raising her hand. "The circus guys left. Said something about a lunch break. They won't be back for hours." This caused Aerith to do a very unAerith-like thing: she swore loudly. Almost everybody gasped. A couple people fainted, and Aerith blushed harder.

The words _'They won't be back for hours' _seemed to hang in the air, echoing. Everyone looked at each other in disbelief, sending messages with their eyes. _Can you believe this?—What are we gonna do now?—We are so totally screwed.—I'm gonna kill the idiot who let that lion out._

Aerith managed to gain her composure. "I'm… sorry for cursing like that. But look, we have to do something. The last three times Ansem has visited, we've all been given severe warnings. This will be the last straw! Our jobs are at stake! And not just ours, but Xemnas's too. Think about it, guys…" She looked around at everyone, searching their faces for any signs of compassion. "He's put everything he has into his job, this building—us, his employees! It would be horrible if he got everything he's worked so hard for taken away from him, after all he's done for us. _Look _at him."

They did, and Xemnas tried to make himself look as pitiful as possible.

Aerith spoke again, regaining everyone's attention. "What do you say, guys? Let's catch this lion! Let's catch this lion for Xemnas!" She pumped her fist in the air enthusiastically. "Who's with me?! For Xemnas!"

"No!" everyone said loudly, their tones flat.

Xemnas's expression immediately changed from pitiful to pissed. "I hate all of you and I hope you die. And I'm docking fifty percent from your paychecks for the next three months." And with that, he stomped off.

Aerith winced. "That… didn't go so well. Okay, okay not for Xemnas! Let's do it for ourselves. Let's save our jobs! Who's with me?!"

"Alright!" everyone shouted back, pumping their fists in the air and throwing their respective hats, papers, and even a bra into the air.

* * *

Unfortunately, while they were talking, the lion had quietly dragged Leon's unconscious body off. Cloud, deciding that it would be useless to try and tell everyone about this recent development, had gone after them. Upon discovering that the lion and two men had disappeared, more panicking ensued, and Aerith realized that she was going to need a lot of aspirin by the end of the day.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**** I know what you're probably thinking: 'where's the romance?!' Well, that's gonna be a while—it's a budding romance, so it's gonna take a while. You're also probably wondering: 'Where's the rest of the characters?' and 'What was the point of this chapter?' and 'Such-and-such person wasn't in any of the Kingdom Hearts games! Who is he/she?' Well, this story's pretty big, so you'll definitely see the characters you know and love later. The point of this chapter was to help show you just how chaotic Cloud's office building was. And if you don't recognize a person, then they're probably from a Final Fantasy game. (Ex: Reno, Zell, Zack, etc.) **


	2. Rule No 2: Keep Your Boss's Boss Off

**Disclaimer:**** HAHAHA no.**

**Idiot's Guide to Surviving Your Office Building**

**Rule No. 2: Keep Your Boss's Boss Off Your Boss's Back**

* * *

"Please, please, _please. _We really need your help, and you're the only one qualified for the job!"

Aerith had known beforehand that she was going to have to beg, but it didn't make it any easier. The eight-months-and-counting pregnant woman in front of her was unmoved, her face impassive. She tucked a strand of her short blonde hair behind her ear with her razor sharp nails and raised her perfectly plucked eyebrows at Aerith. "What's in it for me?"

Elena was a calculative woman. She knew that she could be risking everything that she'd worked hard for—her cozy office, her impressive pay check, and of course, her job. And not just hers, but her husband's, too. Said man was sitting beside her, sipping coffee from a styrofoam cup and regarding with a look that could only be described as bored curiosity. And if Elena was going to risk their jobs, she wanted to make sure that the reward was good. A woman had to have her priorities, you know.

Aerith, having planned ahead like the good secretary and former girl scout that she was, replied immediately. "Two cartons of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. And a heating pad for your back." Tifa's precious ice cream and Xemnas's expensive emergency heating pad. They would kill her when they found out, but this was an emergency, darn it, and sacrifices had to be made. It was for the good of the company, and it was better than them losing their jobs.

Elena considered the offer, then glanced at her husband. "What do you think, Tseng darling?"

Tseng sipped his coffee and looked thoughtful. "I don't know, dear. I think you should also ask for a little something else."

"What do you have in mind?"

Aerith squirmed; she had the most horrible feeling that she wasn't going to like what Tseng was going to say. She wouldn't like it at all.

Tseng smiled a Cheshire cat smile. "Our fearless leader has recently required a special brand of coffee. A very delicious, rare brand of coffee, that just so happens to be grown in Wutai—my birthplace, you know. The brand is one of my personal favorites… but I haven't enjoyed it in so long." Aerith really, _really _did not like that nasty glint in Tseng's eyes. "It would be wonderful to be able to taste it again and be reminded of my homeland… and I would love to share some with my wife, of course. Don't you think that's only fair, Miss Gainsborough?"

Aerith closed her eyes in horror. Oh, how she _hated _Tseng at that moment. He was asking for Xemnas's super special coffee. The coffee that took him _four months _to obtain. The only thing that actually seemed to put him in a good mood these days. And she _hated _Tseng, with his little ferrety smile and his smugness! But wait—hope bloomed in Aerith's heart. Elena was pregnant! Pregnant women weren't allowed to drink coffee! Surely, surely she'd say no to this. Elena loved her husband, but she was still a bit of a selfish woman, and surely she wouldn't let her husband enjoy the super special coffee while—

"That sounds great!" Elena said enthusiastically, giving her husband's hands a little squeeze. "That settles it. We'll take it all, and make sure you get all of Xemnas's coffee. This brat of mine is a huge coffee hog like it's daddy." She patted her swollen belly fondly.

Aerith's eyes widened. "Elena, you're pregnant! You shouldn't be drinking coffee, you might hurt the baby!" _Please, please, please—_

"I'm a Turk, hon," the younger woman sighed with a roll of her eyes. "I'll be fine, and so will the baby. Alright? A little coffee isn't gonna hurt us."

Aerith sobbed quietly.

* * *

Elena rubbed one hand over her enormous belly and stretched luxuriously. Her baby kicked, sensing it's mother's excitement.

Causing distractions had always been something that Elena was good at. Her pregnancy made it all the easier. The baby kicked again, harder this time. She winced; damn kid was turning her insides black and blue. She placed full blame on Tseng—the kid obviously took after him, bent on making her life a living hell. Not that Tseng made her miserable, but sometimes… She sighed and rubbed soothing circles on her belly, shaking her head.

She perked up when she heard the elevator ding. Right on time. She hoped that everyone was well hidden—it had to look like she was all alone with no one to turn to. Poor helpless pregnant woman that she was. The old fool wouldn't know what hit him.

The elevator opened, and out stepped Ansem Wise the Third, in all his high-society, Armani glory. He was glancing at his watch (a Rolex, naturally) constantly and muttering to himself. _'Showtime,' _Elena thought gleefully, plastering a simpering smile onto her face. "Good afternoon, sir. Was your trip comfortable?"

He looked up, startled. "It was fine, thank you. But would you kindly tell me what the devil is going on? Every floor I've been to, people are hiding under their desks and screaming, raving about some escaped lion."

Damn! He'd already heard! Mentally cursing the blabbermouth employees on the lower floors, she quickly threw herself into her act. She screwed her face up into a pained expression and gave a loud, sudden groan.

He looked startled. "My dear, are you all right?"

Ha! Silly old fool! She waved her hand with feigned shakiness and replied in a pained voice, "Oh, I'm alright, really, all this excitement has just made the baby a bit restless I think—Argh!" She hunched over and clutched her belly, groaning loudly.

"My dear!" he rushed over to her side and, after floundering around a bit unsure of what to do, began to awkwardly rub her back. "My dear, maybe you need to sit down—"

"N-no, really, I—_oooooohh!"_

Ansem was panicking by now; he didn't know what to do about pregnant women! He was a business man, not a obstetrician! He decided that it was time to make a quick getaway. "Wait here, I'll go call an ambu—ack!"

Elena had grabbed his arm and wrenched him back. She made sure her grip was extra tight. "Uggghh… I think the baby's com—_ooooohhhhh__!_ _Aaaahhhh__!" _Inside, she was cackling wildly at the frantic, pained look on his face. Silly old man! She had him right where she wanted him.

She just hoped that they caught that stupid lion soon—she didn't know how long she'd be able to keep this charade up.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, there were not many people who knew how to catch a lion. But there was one guy, an ex-daredevil/animal trainer, who's favorite past times were wrestling crocodiles and sticking his head in tigers mouths.

Sure, he had no experience with catching lions. But he would do.

"Xigbar, are you listening to me? You cannot hurt the lion, okay? If he has so much as a little scratch, or a hair out of place, the PETA people will have my head. Not to mention yours, too. So just be careful with it, okay?" Aerith said anxiously, wringing her hands nervously as she followed the older man down the aisle of cubicles.

Xigbar grinned, in what he thought was a reassuring way. It made him look slightly crazy. "Don't worry that pretty little head of yours, babe. I'll get this lion of yours, no problem. I've had experience with this kind of thing."

A total lie, and everyone knew it, but Aerith was too desperate to care. "What are you going to do? How are you going to catch it?"

They were at his desk by then. Xigbar's grin had grown positively terrifying. He chuckled. "Watch this!" He pressed the X button on his keyboard, and the walls of his cubicle suddenly transformed, flipping open into a huge storage cell of weapons, syringes, and other strange, dangerous looking devices. Aerith felt very much like she was in a scene from some spy movie.

Still grinning, Xigbar pulled out a particularly dangerous looking gun, and began loading it with very sharp looking darts. "Now don't you worry your pretty little head," he repeated, mistaking Aerith's look of shock for dread (though he really wasn't that far off). "This is a tranquilizer gun. And these babies—" he held up one of the darts "—are filled with an environment-friendly, animal-safe, non-toxic tranquilizer, made especially for such situations as this. All's I gotta do is shoot one of these into our animal friend, then it's nighty-night, sweet dreams, see ya in the morning, O King of the Jungle!" He cackled evilly at the end of his silly rant.

Aerith shook her head. "Do I even want to know how you got the time to do all this? Is it even legal?"

"Probably not," Xigbar admitted, "but I always knew that something like this would happen, so I kept myself prepared." He paused, then added, "It's always been my dream to do something like this."

Aerith shook her head with a sigh. "Are you sure this is gonna work?"

"'Course it will. This stuff right here is powerful enough to knock out an elephant!"

"Don't you think that's too much? You might kill him!"

"Nah, he'll be fine. I've gotten hit by one of these babies myself, and I'm still standin'! The lion will be fine."

Aerith didn't look convinced, but she nodded her head all the same. She just prayed that he was right.

* * *

When Leon came to, he realized that the lion was no longer on top of him, and for a brief second he thought joyfully that the lion had lost interest and was off terrorizing another part of the building. But then he realized that it was still there, sprawled beside him and licking the poor man's face, purring contentedly. He nearly had a heart attack.

"Leon?"

Choke. Squeak. The brunette looked around wildly, and spotted Cloud just five feet away, eyeing the large cat wearily. "Cloud! Help me! The lion wants to eat me!" This was the most emotion that the brunette had ever expressed, but the situation was too critical for either of them to really care.

Cloud shook his head. "I don't think he wants to eat you…"

"Then why is he licking me?"

"I think he likes you."

"Yeah right."

"I'm serious! He's been cuddling up on you for an hour now. He won't let me come any closer. Every time I tried to get closer to you, he snarled at me. I almost got pounced on last time. I was trying to think of some way to distract him when you came to. I think he's in love—see? He won't stop licking you."

Leon blanched and tried to jerk his head away. "Well, make it stop."

Cloud shrugged. "No thanks. I'd like to live. Isn't it enough that I'm here right now? Risking life and limb just to make sure that he won't eat you if he does lose interest?"

Another long, particularly sloppy kiss from the lion, right down the center of Leon's face. He gagged. "Jesus, he's got bad breath…" He scowled at his friend. "Cloud, you lazy bum, don't just stand there! Do something, before he licks me to death!"

"I already told you I can't. Besides, a little licking won't kill you."

Leon cursed. "Dammit. How the hell am I gonna get out of this mess?"

"Maybe you should ask him to let you go," Cloud suggested.

Leon snorted. "Yeah. Right. Good one. This isn't the time for jokes, Cloud. In case you can't tell, I've got a huge lion pinning me down and licking my face. And also, he may or may not be planning to rape me."

"So now he's gonna rape you?"

"It wouldn't surprise me."

The blond shook his head. "I wasn't joking, Leon. I really do think you should ask him. He might let you go—he likes you. I think he's grateful that you let him out of the cage."

"I didn't let him out—Reno did. If he wants to show his gratitude to anyone, it should be Reno," the brunette grumbled, wincing at a particularly sloppy kiss that went right into his ear.

Cloud smirked. "Well, if I had to choose between you, a man who comes to work looking like he at least got a bath the night before, and Reno, who looks like he just woke up in gutter after a night of partying, I'd choose you." He sincerely hoped that Leon would not notice the tell-tale blush that accompanied this remark.

Fortunately for him, Leon didn't notice—the lion was, after all, just a little bit distracting. "Alright, dammit, I'll ask the damn lion…"

"Ask nicely. And don't cuss—animals can sense negativity," Cloud warned.

Leon ignored him pointedly. "Umm… hey. Mister Lion?" Said lion growled inquiringly while the blond in the corner snorted in amusement. Leon gulped and continued, "Look, I… I know you're grateful that I helped bust you out and all, and I'm glad. Really. I'm happy that you're happy to be, uh, free. But, erm… I kinda need you to let go of me now."

The lion growled again. He didn't seem to be happy with this idea.

"I have to get back to work," Leon explained quickly, feeling more than a little stupid (he was talking to a _lion, _for crying out loud!). "I have bills to pay, groceries to buy, a family to support—"

"You don't _have _a family."

"Shut _up,_ Cloud!" Leon hissed. "You're not helping!"

Cloud sniffed. "Lying is not good in a relationship."

"There is no relationship! Just be quiet!"

The lion was beside itself, growling warningly. It didn't seem happy that Leon was trying to escape. He placed a heavy paw on the man's chest, as if to say, 'You ain't goin' nowhere, biatch. Resistance is futile.'

Leon groaned and shot Cloud a dark look. "What now, genius?"

The blond frowned. "I dunno. I guess we'll have to wait until somebody comes to rescue us."

"Rescue me, you mean. You're perfectly free to run away screaming. I'm a little stuck, as you can tell."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "You really are an idiot, Leonhart. Do you actually think I'm gonna leave you hear to be lion chow? I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a coward. I'm… I'm not going to leave you. Okay?" Cloud said this last part very quietly, but Leon caught every word of it. It made his heart give a strange little squeezed, but before he even got the chance to ponder about it, he heard a loud noise coming from down the hall.

Cloud looked around wildly. "Someone's coming!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Leon growled, struggling to lift his head up so he could see (the lion had taken it upon himself to sprawl himself upon the brunette once more). "Would you tell those idiots to be careful?"

And then, quite suddenly, they saw Yuffie leaping over a cubicle, looking every bit the great ninja that she claimed to be. She landed perfectly on a couch (that was a good bit away from the lion, Cloud noted) and surveyed the scene curiously. "So this is where the lion dragged you off!"

"Yuffie!" Cloud said sternly, holding his hand up. "Be careful! Don't do anything rash. The lion might do something."

"What kind of something?" the ninja asked innocently.

"I don't know, but we probably wouldn't like it."

Yuffie smiled evilly. "Gee, it's a shame, Cloudy, but I promised everyone I'd let 'em know where the lion was if I found it. I gotta uphold my promises, you know—it's the honorable thing to do."

"Since when were you honorable?" Leon grumbled.

Cloud growled. "Yuffie, I'm warning you…"

Yuffie, of course, didn't listen. Instead, she took a deep breath, and used her loud voice to her advantage by shouting, "Hey everyone! I found them! And hurry up and tell Xigbar to get his ass down here—the lion's molesting Leon!"

Within seconds, several dozen coworkers had surrounded the three, lead by a crazed, one-eyed daredevil with a psychotic smile on his face.

* * *

Xigbar was basking in the attention of all his coworkers. This was his moment of glory. It had been so long since he'd felt like this—he hadn't had this much excitement since the time he got swallowed by that giant lizard in Deep Jungle Reptilian Zoo! Oh, how the audience clapped that day!

"Remain calm!" he said loudly and slowly to the trapped men. "Do not panic! I am a trained professional!"

"Like hell you are!" Leon shrieked, squeaking fearfully when the lion snarled threateningly at the sudden crowd.

Cloud frowned. "Who the hell are you?" he asked, eyeing the many guns hanging from the daredevil's jacket wearily.

"That's Xigbar," Leon sighed. "You remember him—he's the guy who snuck into the tiger exhibit at the zoo and tried to stick his head into their mouths. He got arrested for it."

"They should've thanked me on bended knee for what I did!" Xigbar sputtered, still sore over the memory. "They got business after I did that! People like watching men stick their heads into tigers mouths!"

"Yeah, to see if they get their heads bitten off," Leon snapped.

"What's he doing here?" Cloud asked.

"I've come to save you!" Xigbar all but screamed, his face rapidly turning purple. "Why else do you think I'm here?!"

"To stick you're head into the lions mouth," Leon replied.

"Cloud! Is Leon okay?" Aerith appeared, apologizing profusely as she pushed her way through the crowd. She was followed closely by Tifa and Marluxia. Said pink haired man was frantically snapping way on his camera and giggling.

"Oh no! The lion's eating Leon!" Tifa moaned, covering her face with her hands.

"I'm not being eaten," Leon snapped. The lion purred (or was it a growl?) and began licking the brunette's ear, smearing drool all through his hair. He gagged again.

"Do not panic!" Xigbar said again, having regained his composure. "We are going to sedate the lion peacefully! Do not make any sudden movements! Do not make any loud noises! Loud noises will agitate the lion!"

"Then why are you shouting?" Cloud asked incredulously. Xigbar ignored this.

Leon twitched when he heard the safety being clicked off on Xigbar's gun. "What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna take this big cat down," Xigbar replied cheerfully. "Just hold still and keep your yap shut…"

Leon immediately began to panic, struggling furiously against the lion. "Where the hell is Xemnas?! Somebody get that thing away from this psycho! And get this lion off me!"

Xigbar attempted to soothe him. "Remain calm. You will not be hurt."

"Where is Xemnas?!" Leon repeated, completely ignoring the armed man.

"He's trying to help Elena distract Ansem," Aerith told him. "It's probably going to take a while because Elena has really gotten into her act."

"Act? What act?!"

"She pretended she was going into labor. And, well—"

Suddenly, there was a loud scream coming from the elevators. It sounded like Elena. "I can feel the head! Dear God, it's sliding out of me! Sweet mother of Jesus, why?!"

Leon gave a loud, frustrated yell. The lion purred happily, completely content despite all the chaos surrounding him, and continued to lick the brunette's face.

"Aw, the lion likes you, Leon!" Marluxia cooed, still snapping away with his camera.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Tifa asked Xigbar nervously as he aimed his gun at the lion. "I mean, it's not gonna hurt him, is it?"

Xigbar gave her an exaggerated wink. "Now don't worry that pretty head of yours, sweetheart. I know what I'm doing—I'm a trained professional!"

"No, you're not!" Everyone else in the room shouted, and Xigbar looked offended.

Cloud and Leon exchanged looks. "I got a bad feeling about this," Cloud said, and Leon nodded.

Deciding to prove to everyone that he was completely competent about tranquilizing a large, dangerous mammal, Xigbar peered through the gun's scope and tightened his finger on the trigger.

"Hey, Leon? Xigbar's about to shoot the lion. Just so you know," Cloud whispered.

Leon's eyes widened. "Oh, shi—!"

_Bang!_

Yelp. Squeak. Thud. Crash.

"Ohmigawd!" Yuffie shrieked at Xigbar. "You killed Cloud! You bastard!"

"It's not my fault! Tits here jostled me!" the large man whined, pointing accusingly at Tifa. Said busty woman growled threateningly and promptly socked the man's face, sending him crashing to the ground, much to the crowd's delight.

"Cloud?" Leon asked nervously, trying unsuccessfully to scoot closer to his fallen friend. "Cloud, are you alright? Can you hear me? Answer me, dammit!" The lion had finally realized just how close he'd come to being shot, and was extremely pissed off.

"Ugh… the world's spinnin'…" the blond slurred, a red dart sticking out of his back. "Purty colors…"

Leon sighed in relief, then rounded on Xigbar, who had pulled himself to his feet and was now sporting a broken nose. "You idiot, you almost killed him!"

"Don't get your tighty-whiteys in a twist, blondie will be fine," Xigbar said through the blood flowing from his nose. He reloaded his gun. "I told you all a thousand times, this stuff ain't lethal. Now hold still, will ya? I've gotta get this aim right—"

But the lion wasn't having any of it. Grabbing Leon's collar with his teeth, it dragged the protesting brunette away growling furiously at anyone who dared to get too close.

'_Oh no, now it's really mad! Now it's gonna eat Leon!' _Aerith thought, and, panicking, shrieked right into Xigbar's ear, _"Shoot it, shoot it, __shoot__ it!"_

Startled, Xigbar jumped five feet into the air with an unmanly squeal, and accidentally squeezed the trigger.

_Bang!_

To everyone's horror, the dart hit Marluxia, who had been trying to get a closer shot of the lion. The pink haired man crumpled, his camera clattering away.

For the second time that day, Aerith swore.

"Aerith!" Tifa wailed in horror, though it was impossible to tell if it was because of her startling Xigbar or because she swore again. "Why did you do that?!"

"I didn't mean to!" the woman protested, blushing violently. "But I thought that the lion was going to eat Leon—look at how angry he is!"

"It's not gonna eat me!" Leon shouted back. The lion, enraged over being shot at twice now, gave a sudden loud, angry roar, right in Leon's face, displaying two rows of very sharp, very pointy, and very painful looking teeth. Leon panicked. "Shit! Shit! It's gonna eat me!"

But Aerith had had enough. She was scared, angry, tired, and a nervous wreck. And she had swore twice that day. Twice! She never swore, ever. Swearing was beneath her!

Something inside her snapped.

Snarling, she yanked the gun out of Xigbar's hands. "Gimme that, you dimwitted Neanderthal!" Ignoring the man's sputtered protests, she aimed the gun at the lion and screeched at the lion, "I've had enough, you stupid cat! Do you know how much trouble you've caused me?! Well, do ya?! No, of course you don't! Because you're a great, big, stupid thing! I swore _twice _today because of you! And my new dress is ruined!" She gestured to her now dirty, ripped pink dress, which looked exactly like all her other pink dresses, except… dirtier now. She squeezed the gun's trigger lightly and cackled, aiming carefully at the enraged lion. "Nighty-night, kitty! See you in hell!" And then she pulled the trigger.

For the third time that day, the gun gave a loud _bang!_ A pained roar, and then a loud thud, followed by a wheezed grunt. Silence, and then a rush of applause. A red dart stuck out proudly from the lion's side, contrasting sharply with its fur. Leon lay beneath it, completely winded from the dead weight. He looked like he was going to pass out for the second time that day. Several onlookers quickly rushed over and pulled the lion off of him, much to his relief.

Tifa hooted. "Alright, go Aerith! Show off those amazing hidden gun talents! Show that lion whose boss!"

Aerith blinked, and seemed to come back to herself. She looked down at the gun in her hands blankly for a second, then squeaked and dropped it immediately, looking horrified. "Oh no! What did I do?!" Tifa laughed and hugged her.

Further celebration was sent to a screeching halt, however, when they heard a very angry voice from behind shout, "What the bloody hell is going on?!"

To say that Ansem was in a bad mood would be an understatement. He was royally pissed, so much so that his face was almost purple and you could just see the steam coming from his ears.

Everyone cowered with fear in his presence. Xemnas, who had been frantically trying to keep his uncle away, was groveling at the older man's feet, begging for mercy for Elena's actions. "I swear, uncle, I did not ask her to do that! The baby's not due for another month, I never expected her to do something like this, please don't take the company away, I—"

"Silence!" Ansem thundered, and Xemnas squeaked and went silent. The aging president ran a hand over his mussed hair, trying to tame it back to its original tidy state, then gave up with a sigh. "You know, Xemnas, I promised your mother on her deathbed that I would take care of you. I swore up and down that I would raise you like my own son, and that I'd make sure you'd be successful in life. I even gave you ownership of half the company—that is your name on the sign on top of this building, isn't it? The very first name? _Isn't it, Xemnas __Xenahort__?"_

Xemnas gave a pitiful whimper and nodded. Ansem was working himself up into a fine temper. He continued ranting, pacing back and forth in front of the unconscious lion. "I taught you everything I know. I leave you in charge here while I'm out taking care of things in the other company buildings! I put my full trust in you, Xemnas! And then what do I find? A chaotic mess! There's a bloody lion lying unconscious behind me, boy! What am I supposed to think about that? A lion! In my office building! Attacking employees!"

"But it wasn't my fault, uncle—"

"And then a crazy woman attacks me, screaming that she's in labor! She almost took my head off!" Elena, who was standing behind them, smirked loudly. "And another crazy woman is running around with a tranquilizer gun shooting innocent employees!" He gestured around to the unconscious Cloud and Marluxia.

"Correction!" Yuffie piped up, her hand shooting up into the air. "Xigbar over there was the one shooting employees. Aerith just shot the lion, which was what Xigbar was supposed to do, but—"

"—And now I learn that there's not just two crazy women, but there's a crazy man as well! Shooting innocent employees! Causing countless psychological and possible bodily damage! And why? So you could try and cover all—all—_this!"_ Ansem gestured around wildly with his arms. "How did you expect to hide all this, hmm? Were you going to hide the lion away under the desk? Stash the bodies into a closet? Behind a plant? In the filing cabinets? Maybe try and convince me that the lion is a new decorative rug for your office?!" He paused, breathing heavily, and stared furiously at his nephew. "Don't just sit there like a fool, boy!" He burst out. "Answer me! What do you have to say for yourself?!"

Choke. Squeak. Thud.

Yuffie, naturally, was the first to speak. "Ohmigawd! You killed Xemnas! You bas—" Several hands quickly clamped down over the ninjas mouth, effectively halting her from insulting their CEO.

Aerith took a deep breath and stepped forward. "Um, excuse me—Mr. Wise, sir? None of this is his fault. Xemnas is a wonderful boss. Really. He—he really cares about us and—oh good! He's awake!" Xemnas had sat up with a pained groan, and Reno (after getting a dark look from Tifa) quickly began fanning him with a notepad.

Ansem sighed. He hated having to argue with sweet people like Aerith. "My dear—"

Xemnas, having quickly got most of his senses back, also joined in. "Aerith, be quiet—"

"No, I won't be quiet," the secretary protested, stomping her foot. "I won't! Xemnas is wonderful, and he always keeps things in order! Well, usually—today was just a bad day! The lion was, um, sent here by mistake, and it got out. Xemnas wanted to catch it before you got here, and um… the pregnant woman thing wasn't his idea, either! That was mine!"

"I'm waiting for my ice cream, coffee, and heating pad, by the way," Elena piped up. "If you could just drop 'em off on my desk by the end of the day, that'd be great."

Aerith quickly made a cutting motion across her neck with her hand, as if to say, 'shut-the-hell-up-before-you-get-me-in-trouble,' and continued, "I'm truly sorry about that, but I didn't know what else to do, and, uh…" she trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

Yuffie decided to help. "Yeah, Xemnas is great! Even though he yells a lot.. and sometimes makes us work really late… and makes us do a lot of his work while he tries to seduce Saix in his office… and says bad stuff about you while you're here… and he's in a bad mood, like, all the time, and has the personality of a ferret—"

"Yuffie?"

"Yes, Xemnas?"

He chucked a pen at her face and shouted, "Don't help me!"

Yuffie whimpered and nodded, a hand pressed over her eye.

* * *

When Cloud woke up, he found he had a hard time opening his eyes. When he finally did manage to open his eyes, he found the world extremely fuzzy and bright. There was a horrible taste in his mouth, too. He slowly pushed himself up, rubbing his fingers against his eyelids. He regretted getting up immediately—the world seemed to tilt on its axis.

"Morning, sleepy head," he heard Leon's voice say. "Have a nice nap?"

Cloud blinked at the brunette owlishly. "Oh. Hello, Leon. You're very fuzzy. Did the lion eat you?"

Leon choked down his laughter, and replied, "No, Cloud, the lion didn't eat me. As you can see, I'm sitting right in front of you."

"Yeah, but I figured that I died, since Xigbar shot me an' all… Where's the lion?"

"Back in the crate downstairs."

"And everyone else?"

"Xemnas and Ansem are down there, too, along with the circus guys and Clayton. Xemnas and Ansem are trying to figure out what to do with it, and keep Clayton from tearing the guys limb-from-limb. The circus guys say that they don't do refunds, and they aren't responsible for the lion. Clayton's screaming about how they cheated him out of a gorilla. Everyone else in the building got sent home."

Cloud nodded. "Oh… what do you think's gonna happen to the lion?"

Leon sighed and shrugged sadly. "I don't know. It'll probably get put down, since everyone says that it attacked me…" This thought was very depressing. The two men sat in silence for a few moments, each lost in his own thoughts.

"Why don't you keep it?" Cloud finally suggested, and Leon stared.

"What?"

"The circus doesn't want him. Clayton doesn't want him. We don't want him to get put down… so why don't you keep him?"

"Um, wow, let me think… because it's against the law?"

"So? Doesn't stop other people. That guy that's always bothering you—Seifer? He has that weird wolf-thing that he found near that nuclear waste plant. He named it Ifrit, and it does that cool trick where he shoots fireballs out of his mouth. He gets away with it." Leon sighed, but still didn't look convinced. Cloud persisted. "C'mon, Leon. If you don't do something, the lion will be put down for something it couldn't even help."

Leon frowned. "It's funny, but Reno said something along those lines when he dragged me into this mess…"

"Yeah, but you can trust _me._ I'm telling you the truth."

"Are you?"

"Duh. I'm your best friend, stupid. Why would I lie?"

* * *

"I'll take him." _'I'm the biggest schmuck on the face of this planet.'_

Five pairs of eyes blinked back at him. "What'd you say?" one of the circus guys asked stupidly.

"I'll take him," Leon repeated, mentally cursing Cloud and his manipulative ways. "None of you want him, so I'll take him. If I don't… he'll probably be put down, right?"

"You can't have it," Clayton sputtered. "I need to trade it for my gorilla!"

"We already told ya, we don't got any gorillas!" the second circus guy said. "That's why we're trying to give ya the lion instead."

"I don't want lions! I want gorillas! Why didn't you tell me in the first place that you didn't have gorillas?"

The first guy shrugged, and looked a little sheepish. "We thought you'd like the lion better. I mean… it's a lion, after all."

Clayton looked enraged. "I want my money back!"

"We told ya, the negotiations were non-refundable!"

Leon growled. "I already said I'll take the lion, for crying out loud!"

"You heard the man," Cloud piped up from behind Leon. "He says he'll take it. Isn't that good enough?"

The second man shrugged. "Whatever. It don't matter to us. We already got the money…"

"My money!" Clayton said loudly. "You two cads lied to me! I want my money back!"

Xemnas grabbed Leon's shoulders. "Leon, you can't be serious! You could get into some serious trouble for this! I mean… how exactly are you gonna feed that thing?"

"Think about this rationally, son," Ansem chimed in. "You can't take in a wild animal. They're unpredictable. It could attack you at any moment."

"That's true… and you couldn't even keep that pet goldfish of yours alive for a week," Cloud added thoughtfully.

Leon turned and glared at his friend. "This coming from the man who encouraged me to take in the lion in the first place! Would ya shut up already? You're supposed to be on my side!"

"I want my gorilla!" Clayton whined.

"You ain't gettin' a gorilla!" Leon shouted. "Now somebody give me the damn lion so I can go home!"

* * *

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this. How _am_ I supposed to feed this thing? I'll be homeless by the end of the week."

Leon found himself sitting on his couch watching TV two hours later, squished between Cloud and an extremely friendly and drowsy lion.

Cloud smiled. "Admit it. You're glad you rescued him. What are you gonna name him, anyway?"

"The circus guys said his name was Simba," Leon said, pushing the lion's face away from his with a grimace.

"That's original."

"Tell me about it. They also said he's housebroken, and that he can do some neat tricks."

"What kind of tricks?"

"Usual stuff—play dead, sit up, roll over, you know. He can also fetch me beers from the fridge."

"Huh. Too bad you don't drink."

"I might start, just to see if he really can. I don't suppose you know a place that might sell lion chow, do you?"

"Internet, duh. Are you gonna let him keep licking you like that? It's making your hair stick up everywhere."

"As long as he's not eating me, I'm fine—stop laughing dammit, or I'll have him eat you! Stop it, you asshole!"

**Alright, there. It's done. Sorry for the long wait, but I had to get a job and then school caught up on me... well, basically, life got in the way. Let me know what you think, alright? Laterz!**


	3. Rule No 3: When The Bosses Are Talking

**Disclaimer:** Blah blah blah, all owned by Squenix, blah blah blah, I own nothing, blah blah blah, you know the drill…

* * *

**Idiot's Guide to Surviving Your Office Building**

**Rule No. 3: When The Bosses Talk About Improving Productivity, They're Never Talking About Themselves**

The morning after the lion incident was surprisingly calm. The employees returned to find the lobby cleaned up and all the floors left spotless, almost like there had never been a small, panicked mob running through its halls at all. And there was certainly no evidence of any lions. It should also be said that, after Xemnas gave the entire building a long, threatening lecture over the speakers about ordering animals and breaking out into riots and how the combination is just _not _a good thing, that everyone was in an unspoken agreement to make the day a very quiet, peaceful day. Xemnas was in a fouler mood than normal, after all, having just lost both his prized heating pad and his precious coffee in one day to that foul pregnant bitch, and there wasn't a single employee who fancied losing their job.

So when the employees of the fifth floor were called into a meeting, everyone was trying their hardest to be on their best behavior, and not give their fearless and slightly psychotic leader a hard time.

"…and that is all I'm going to say on that subject," Xemnas concluded, having just finished a rather longwinded speech about the penalties of throwing pens up into the ceiling and making them stick (the more creative employees who did this managed to create several inappropriate images, which brought on the whole lecture to begin with). "And now, moving on to the next topic--it has been brought to my attention that some people--and I won't mention any names--" He gave Reno a very nasty look, "--have been bringing up the topic of masturbation an unacceptable number of times this month. I will not allow this to continue. Talk of masturbation, especially when it is directed in a sexual way to people who are _uncomfortable with the subject, _is considered sexual harassment. And I'm sure you all know that Xenahort and Wise Corporations takes it's sexual harassment policy very seriously. I want this talk of masturbation to stop. Today.

"…However, if you really must talk about it, for one reason or another, at least do your fellow employees the common courtesy of using clever euphemisms to disguise the subject. For example, instead of using the term 'jerking off,' which seems to be a particular favorite around here, you might instead use 'choking the chicken.' Or maybe 'yanking the crank.' You could also use 'slapping the salami,' or 'spanking the monkey…'"

Cloud turned to Leon and gave his friend a look that clearly stated, 'I cannot believe he actually suggested that we use the term "slapping the salami" for when we talk about masturbation.'

Leon looked back at Cloud and stated with his eyes, 'I can't believe you're _surprised_ that he suggests we use that term.'

Xemnas was still coming up with euphemisms. "'…jerking the gherkin, bouncing the bunny, whacking the weasel, clubbing the clam--'"

"You could also say that you have to 'tickle your pickle!'" Yuffie interrupted excitedly, bouncing in her seat. "Or that you have to 'buff your bishop!'"

Xemans frowned, annoyed at being interrupted. "Well, yes you could--"

"'Glazing the donut,'" Tifa suggested suddenly, apparently interested in where this conversation had gone. "'Honing the cone.'"

"'Firming your worm,'" Zell added, and everyone was slightly surprised to see that he was awake, since he usually fell asleep during meetings.

"'Flogging the frog,'" Xaldin said.

"'Greasing the monkey,'" Cloud found himself saying, and blushing immediately afterwards.

"'Ringing the rag,'" added Xigbar.

"'Jackin' the Beanstalk,'" Irvine said suddenly, earning a few good laughs. Xemnas frowned disapprovingly, displeased that he had been upstaged by his employees.

Reno suddenly raised his hand. "Hey, 'scuse me, Xemnas? Sorry to interrupt your sermon, but are you almost done?"

Xemnas shot the redhead another nasty look. "Got something better to do, Reno?"

Reno nodded gravely. "Yeah. It's an emergency."

"And what sort of emergency is it, pray tell?"

"I have to go 'spank my monkey.'"

Everyone groaned as Xemnas slammed his hands on the desk and screamed, "Dammit, Reno!"

Reno threw up his hands in the air, his face a perfect mask of defiant innocence. "So sorry! I _have _to! If I go for too long without giving it a little action, it'll start shriveling up! And it's been--" he checked his watch "--almost _two hours_ since I last 'tickled my pickle!'"

Xemnas shook his head and covered his eyes, and let out a strange moaning sound. Everyone watched him anxiously, all except for Reno, who was squirming anxiously in his seat.

"Aw, c'mon Xemmy, go let Reno 'bounce his bunny,'" Yuffie said finally, tired of watching Reno squirm. "He looks like he's about to burst in his pants."

"Oh, _ew,_" Tifa groaned, and covered her eyes. "That was an image I _so _did not need to see…"

Xemnas threw his hands up into the air. "Fine!" he shouted. "Fine! Go! Get out! Go 'yank your cranks' or 'flog your frogs' or whatever you want to call it! I don't care! You're all getting a pay cut! I hope you all chafe!" With that final outburst, he stormed out the door, slamming the door shut behind him.

Yuffie made a disapproving noise. "Geeze. What a baby. Maybe he needs to give his 'salami' a good 'slapping' for a bit, get rid of some of that tension."

"Or maybe Saix needs to stop playing hard-to-get and just throw down already," Leon sighed.

Reno was still squirming. "So is this meeting over or what?"

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Yes, Reno, it's over. Go give your 'crank' a 'yank' or two."

Reno let out a joyful whoop and promptly sprinted out of the room, no doubt headed towards the bathroom.

Vincent, resident creepy man and rumored vampire, had been sitting quietly in the darkest corner in the room during the meeting like he always did, suddenly felt the need to raise his hand and say coolly, "Can we please stop using these euphemisms now? They're becoming quite annoying."

"But Xemmy told us to use 'em, Vinny!" Yuffie protested. "'Sides, they're funny."

"They are annoying though," Cloud said, frowning. "Vincent's right. Let's just go back to the old way."

"Did anyone really care before about how people talked about masturbation?" Luxord suddenly wondered out loud. "I mean, I never heard any complaints…"

"Neither did I," Marluxia said thoughtfully, "and I hear a great deal about the subject everyday--my cubicle's beside Reno's, after all."

"I think the only person who has a problem with it is Saix, and that's just 'cause he's a prude," Yuffie said, nodding to herself. "I think he's nervous because Xemnas is hitting that he wants to start banging him, so he's taking it out on the rest of us."

"Taking it out on Reno," Leon corrected.

"Reno, right."

Cloud sighed and stood. "Okay, that's it. I've heard enough about masturbation for the day. I'm going back to my desk."

Everyone agreed with him, and one by one they all walked out of the room.

* * *

It was widely believed that the Xenahort and Wise Corporations office building housed all the nutcases in Hollow Bastion, and this was probably true. Not all these nutcases were actual employees, however--some just had no where else to be.

The masturbation talk had put Xemnas in a very foul mood, and as he waited impatiently for the elevator to reach the fifth floor, his mood only continued to grow worse as he remembered who he was about to encounter. "It would figure that the right elevator would be broken today," he muttered to himself as the elevator 'dinged' softly. "I _hate_ taking the left elevator… thank God it was broken yesterday at least--"

At that moment, the elevator doors opened with another 'ding,' and Xemnas sighed and peered into the elevator with a hard glint in his eyes. Then he growled. "Demyx. Would you care to explain how the hell you got this desk into the elevator?"

A young man with blonde hair, usually styled into a faux-hawk but now styled into some horrible fifties housewife hair cut, stopped typing on his type writer and peered up at Xemnas from behind his cat's-eye glasses. "Good afternoon, welcome to Xenahort and Wise Corporation's Elevator One," he said, his voice a bored drawl. "Do you have an appointment?"

Xemnas's eye twitched. "Demyx… several things. First off, why the hell are you wearing that awful peacock-print dress? Second, why are you pretending to be a secretary in the elevator? I have a secretary! And she doesn't even have to be in the elevator to do it, she has her own office! And third, _why _would I need an appointment? _I'm the boss!"_

Demyx sniffed and fidgeted with the fake pearls around his neck, indignant. "Well, _excuse me, _sir. I was just trying to do my job. No need to get snotty."

"You don't even work here."

Demyx didn't seem to hear this. "What floor, if you please?"

Xemnas sighed and rubbed his temples. "Ten, please."

Demyx nodded, then promptly went back to typing. Xemnas waited. Demyx continued to type. The CEO felt his eye begin to twitch again. Demyx continued typing.

"Well?!" Xemnas finally shouted, his anger spiking once more.

Demyx glanced up at him calmly. "Well what?"

"Are you going to press the floor button or what?!"

Demyx looked at him like he'd just grown a second head. "Are you crazy? I just finished my nails! See?" He showed Xemnas his freshly manicured nails. "You are on crack if you think I am going to ruin them by pressing any buttons. You have ten perfectly good fingers--push the button your own self."

Xemnas snarled. _"You don't even work here. _I could get you arrested for loitering. You show up everyday and hang out in the elevators with your crazy antics--didn't you claim that you were an astronaut yesterday? Where the hell did you get the astronaut suit, anyway? You stole it from the museum, didn't you?! I could have you arrested!"

Demyx scowled at Xemnas, tapped his nails sharply against the desk surface. "Please lower your voice, sir. There is absolutely no need for you to raise your voice at me. Now, if you could please act like a _gentleman,_ it would be greatly appreciated. I would hate to have to call security on you."

Xemnas gaped at the boy. "Call security on _me?_ I own this building! I'm the boss! I--!"

"Sir, _please._ You're behaving most unseemly! Just press your floor button and be on your way! I do not want to have to throw you out!"

Xemnas was speechless for a bit, staring at this insane boy sitting behind the desk in his ridiculous secretary outfit. For the past year he had shown up every weekday, occupying the left elevator and annoying (or amusing, depending on who you talked to) the employees with his antics. He had somehow become the elevator's occupant in that year--it was actually six months before Xemnas realized that Demyx didn't even work there.

And now, he found himself being threatened with security by this--this _bum_, who came here to _his _office building everyday and hung out in _his _elevator and bothered _his employees_--

"Sir, if you're not going to go to your floor, then I must ask you to leave. There are other people who need to use this elevator too, you know."

…What was the point? What was the point anymore? Xemnas's workplace was nothing more than a safe haven for all the crazies of Hollow Bastion. What was the point of fighting it? Even if he did have Demyx thrown out, he would just show up again the next day, or worse, someone even crazier than Demyx would show up and take his place.

With a resigned sigh, Xemnas pressed the button for his floor, and the elevator slowly began to make it's way up. Once the elevator reached the tenth floor and the doors opened, Demyx waved cheerfully and called after him, "Thank you for riding on Xenahort and Wise Corporation Elevator One! We hope to see you again soon! Have a good day."

Xemnas stared at Demyx blankly until the elevator doors closed, and then turned and made a beeline for his office, pausing only to ask Aerith to call his pharmacy and get a refill for his Prozac, asap. And then, once he was safely back inside his office, he quickly retrieved his stuffed moogle from its hiding place behind his plant, then pulled his pillow and blankie from his desk drawers. He curled up under his desk, then, wrapping his blankie securely around himself, and began sucking his thumb.

So what if he was having a wussy moment? So what if it was a shameful way for the CEO of a very important business to act. He was surrounded by crazy people eight hours a day, all his coffee had been stolen, and Saix wasn't giving him any. It was a wonder he hadn't cracked completely yet. He deserved this small amount of comfort.

He was only human after all.

* * *

**Blegh. Totally typed all this up within an hour. It's like, two in the morning now, and I have to go to work tomorrow. Ugh. Growing up sucks. XP**


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